July 11th - blog 1 - food food food food food (and 150 grams)

Hi guys. I've only put on 150 grams. I'm mortified as well as made up. I can eat more. That's something really nice to know. I am allowed to eat more. And the weird thing is that I have been restricted to a diet regime which I've not been following...the calorie attribution at every meal has been such that I've felt limited to 500 calories of an evening when perhaps I have wanted more and yet have mentally tempered my appetite in order to stick to a regime which I have not been adhering to at breakfast time by not quite reaching 500 calories...

...and because I've felt that what I was doing was 'doing it', I haven't responded to hunger accordingly - and almost have not understood it and misinterpreted it. I love that the amount of weight I have put on dictates that I can eat even more...yay! And this is not fictionalised excitement. This is genuine enthusiasm, which I didn't recognise I had inside me to express. I'm pissed off that I've only gained 150 grams. Its pathetic considering I have historically gained 400 grams. Nevertheless in 3 days of heavy gym sessions, extreme pain wherein I pushed my legs too far on Tuesday, and extreme exhaustion with the situation that has been present on this ward...well its still going in the right direction; if minutely.

And the license to consume more feels phenomenal. I had a mouthful of Mum's Butterscotch Pecan Danish from Waitrose the other day. It was far, far too sweet but it was a responded to teaspoon of sugary Pecan nut and a bit of pastry. I also have tried Jelly this week - but there was such a sweetness and overbearing sugary feeling that I felt quite nauseous afterwards. So I've learnt to eat (and not to eat!) many more things this week...and also learnt that Carbohydrate-based meals are not as good as protein-based ones for weight gain. All of this is fine but the most overwhelming thing I'm pleased about is that I can increase what I'm eating.

I think when I started I wasn't sure (Christ was anyone???) how much I would have to eat to gain weight. I didn't know whether I'd be capable of eating it, particularly given my history and my digestive traumas of the past. I also was worried because I'd been told so often by Drs, nurses and by people who 'should know' that I wouldn't be psychologically capable or willing enough to acheive it. Christ I proved the world, but most importantly, myself wrong...I can and more than that I am. The first initial weight gain was a surprise, though...I didn't know whether I'd been doing it - and I had!!! But I didn't know what I'd done, nor how to replicate it. And since then I've been hesitant and a little confused as to how much I was meant to eat...sounds bizarre but it's true. I also upped so considerably my exercise regime. I had energy, vitality and passion - and could feel my muscles growing and loving the strength they were acclimatising too. God, it works...my body uses food correctly now and the only grey area has been how much and when.

I am genuinely delighted that 150 grams weight gain gives me license to go further, eat more, eat more meat...I'm looking forward to a chicken dish, a lentil roast bake thing on Saturday (Mum's birthday - woo-hoo!!!) and to houmous and pittas and a sandwich or that Prawn Salad from Marks' on Sunday. I'm looking forward also to having bigger afternoon snacks, slightly sugary-er biscuits and essentially to having more, and perhaps even including a Galaxy Caramel chunk occasionally, or some Maltesers. Or even some After Eight mints which I have been thinking about...or Fox's Crinkle Crunch chocolate coated. Perhaps I'll have the courage to have them now - I feel I've been opened up by not gaining enough weight to make me happy. And I love, love, love, love, love that I take disappointment and transform it into opportunity. I love that that's part of me.

And do you know what? I struggle endlessly with what to say to Dr Gordon and the psychiatrists. You all get that because I don't belong in their loops of boxes and attempts as psycho-analysis and identification of roots and causes of problems in emotions and minds. Nor do I warrant the constancy of checking whether I'm having any 'fall-out' from eating - I'm not, absolutely and wholeheartedly not. Nor do I deserve the constant pressure of analysis and feeling I need to be open-hearted and amenable to their demands to prove that there is nothing there for them to find that needs analysis and dealing with in order to facilitate my health.

So do you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to read this to her. When she asks how I am, or to be nosy and look at my diary...well she can read this blog and get the true perspective - the what I say to my friends and family, the how I truly feel...the heart of me and the vibration from my soul which dictates the way I feel about her and her practice of constant examination and pregorative treatment and the way I feel about the diet that I'm now eating and the diet I will be eating. The growth I have made, the progression I have made and the delight I have in both the past and the way I perceive the progression into the future - both dietarily and otherwise...I love this. I'm going to read her this to let her know my truth!!!