I don’t know what to blog tonight. What can I say, anymore? There has been a jaggedness about me all evening of unsettled-ness. Yet it’s been a bloody brilliant day. I had a pizza tonight. It was a tortilla with mozzarella, courgettes, tomatoes and a lovely onion/tomato sauce base instead of the tomato puree style one. It was delicious. Really tasty – but too mozzarella-ey. I don’t know that I’d have it again because the thick blobs of cheese melted but cold were a little bit…stodgy. The tortilla base had gone deliciously whammy and the sauce was incredibly nice but it was just a little…samey. Then I had a Mullerlight that was far too sweet so changed to have fruit salad and Fromage as well. And the pizza – well it was gorgeous, absolutely deliciously tasty, but not satisfactory ultimately. I think there will be a future role for wedges of pizzas with slightly thicker dough – perhaps just one wedge with more topping and then an oily salad. I think I’m beginning to learn that breadiness doesn’t always get on well with me.
Most jarring today has been the delayed MST (slow release morphine tablets). I’ve just had the second dose (at nine, not eight) and it’s felt inappropriate and jagged. I’m just a little jagged around the edges, feel slightly dissatisfied. I don’t think I’ve had enough protein today. I feel that there needs to be more protein…yes. Lunch had no meat/tuna/beans – just creamy cheese and bread. And dinner was more cheese and bread and whilst cheese is protein it’s not the solidified protein of my chicken breast or turkey slices, nor is it the carbohydrate deliciousness of rice with veg ratatouille. It just wasn’t quite a melding meal and its left me disconcerted and disjointed. And it’s left me sooooo looking forward to Turkey and Mushroom Creole tomorrow. Too much wheat today. Bread 3 times…not good. Sorry, I’ll stop talking about food now.
I’ll talk about my physio session instead. I can’t quite muster the enthusiasm to convey this properly properly but I walked up a flight of stairs today without using my hands. That’s amazing. I mean truly, honestly, flooringly sensational. A real progressive step (literally!) And so was my weight-gain. It proved something sensational about my intent. It proves something sensational about my capacity. It also leaves me knowing that increasing the portion sizes will give me a weight-gain factor now…then balance out and I’ll have to up it again later on. But my portion sizes and intake upping now has threatened me and my body thus far. I don’t think it’s threatening it as much any more but my mind and eyesight is struggling with it. I’ll explain that by saying that my vision has become accustomed to what I put on plates and shapes etc. of foodstuffs etc. It was partly the surprise last night of consuming a whole chicken breast – and tonight of eating almost a whole pizza (a large chunk of mozzarella was too rubbery for me to want). My eyesight is unused to such quantities…and I’m looking forward to expanding it by responding to putting more in my mouth, with more conviction and with more ease – more mouthfuls. I also need to slow down and watch the food into my body – it’s like sometimes I still wolf things because I am unused to pacing myself and seeing food into my mouth and down my gullet etc. I genuinely am looking forward to slowing, pacing and chilling – then upping the mouthfuls…yeah…adjusting perspective to my new responses.
That’s it – I’m a little jarred by the indigestibility of rubbery mozzarella lumps and so much whammy tortilla. My body wasn’t going to cope with it and so had to not have it and that disappointed me tonight. But it was a delightful lesson – full fat cheeses are not something I respond to when served like that…part of the reason I didn’t get on with my Brunchetta yesterday…full-fat cheeses are not welcomed by my body yet. But meat is, tuna is, vegetables are and dressings and mayonnaise are. So are spices, yoghurts and lower fat, creamier dairy products. All vital to recognise – and though I’m disconcerted by this evening its essential to know. And I’ve been feeling anti-me all evening because I didn’t want the last of the mozzarella. I should really be easier on myself and recognise the truth of the experience, not the paranoid suspicion of what something shows or means. Silly plonker (that’s for you, Mum!)
So – moving on to the congratulations (which I feel now). I fucking walked up the stairs. Just four of them – twice. And one or two of the steps weren’t even balanced by hands – my hands were two inches off the banister. Shit I’m bloody fantastic. And 100 grams – it’s pathetic and fantastic all at once. And the shitty attitude of Natasha is her hyper-criticism of the weight with respect to admission and progression. She accepted nothing of the health level and I just felt patronised and criticised throughout our confrontation. And that’s what it was – a confrontation and not a conversation. She spoke to me as if I didn’t want to be gaining weight and was making purposeful choices to avoid calories. I have made choices that have reflected my desires. And little does she know that they will continue to do so – upping the substance (Turkey Creole AND Rice as opposed to Vegetables AND Rice – pizza and salad…). You know it’s all built in anyway. I may even investigate some Rachel’s yoghurt, sprinkle parmesan on my vegetarian meals and, do you know what, fuck their suggestions and patronising implications. I know what I can do from my body’s responses. And it will put on the weight it is meant to – and I hope that that is soon, to get me moving onwards towards outside and holidays and life. I hate feeling viewed by those such as Natasha as if I don’t want to gain weight and that is why I behave as I do. That’s a pathetic way to be viewed and is a false interpretation of my history, my present and my responses to my future. Sod them all in their misinterpretation. I’m tired and affronted and none of that really…I’m just tired, I think.
I’m just tired and tired of not being seen for my truth. It just shows me that however hard I have established my truth for and within myself, that is who it has been for; myself. I am beginning to understand that regardless of how strong my truth is within me and however much it reverberates in, around and underneath every single breath my being takes; there is no accounting for others’ views. Their eyes are as distorted as my body used to be and as such their vision cannot accurately witness the truth of my representation. Inside me could be the purest heart but people will still only see what they want to see. It does not invalidate my journey, not one bit. I couldn’t walk through my life feeling like a liar in my own skin, I couldn’t continue in my life without finding the honesty of my experience. I couldn’t have continued within my existence without shaking off the demonic threat that there was psychological disturbance and self-hatred, self-destructive tendencies…I’ve never felt self-destructive and yet to be viewed as someone like that confused the hell out of me. I could not have continued not establishing my own truth and finding within me a person, underneath chemical disturbances, that I actually 100% value, love and actually quite like – I think I have some astounding qualities that I amaze myself with when I witness their emergence in interaction.
But the true core – I think I’m beginning to learn that that’s been for me. I needed to feel honesty and openness coursing through my veins, not other people. Others will always see what they want to see, regardless of how me I am being. And so I cannot waste any more energy in the convincing of others. Instead I must continue to operate from my convictions and leave behind those others who’s distorted perspective of my behaviour only serves to diminish my confidence and my spirit. For now, though, exhaustion means I must say goodnight. At the end of a phenomenal day…a day which can only spell the start of continued improvement with my actual JOY at the weight gain – the first ever complete and total abandoned Ecstatic-ness at the weight gain – well that is something to build on and to go to bed on happy. Fulfilled…that’s what I am – fulfilled by my life experience tonight…and slightly bloated on mozzarella pizza I feel deliriously fulfilled!!!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment