Well, it’s Monday – and it’s a day that Friday was working towards and I have been stressing about and anxiously looking at all weekend. Today the fleshing out of what happened on Friday takes place and whilst I have settled within the majority of what happened on Friday, and the principles of the situation within which I now find myself, I don’t know how the practicalities are going to take shape and that is what makes me paranoid and panicky.
So today I could discover anything: an intention to send me to St George’s, a desire to put me on supplement drinks, a need to do everything suggested by the dietician – regardless of how much I am not keen on the idea. And I can’t object, I can differ but I musn’t be difficult. Contemplating the behaviour which led to arriving at this position I now try and interpret and contemplate the behaviour that will take me forwards with the most benefit. Ultimately it’s just a case of continuing within the same vein of response but just modifying the response to adhere to the rules under which they are now living.
And where am I within this? I don’t know…except to say that yesterday I had some very interesting spaces wherein I recognised that I cannot object to the treatment that they are now proposing underneath this new sectioning because I don’t have any problems with it. I have no objections at all – not because I’m trying to be amenable but because there is nothing that I disagree with except the implication that I would not have done this without the need for mental health sectioning. I’m so used to having to fight all of my life against this diagnosis. To continue to fight seems ludicrous. It isn’t any more or less true now it has gained official status. People such as Dr Gordon, Dr Zadeh and pretty much every Dr I have seen since day 1 of my illness would have imagined me to be mentally ill in some way to arrive at this end point. And to be quite frank the mental illness element is categorically true – only I know that it was chemically instigated and not emotional precipitated. Regardless of how many times I bang my head against the brick wall of psychiatrists I am never going to assert that with any strength and believability until I am through this nightmare and out the other side. Even then there would probably be little point in attempting to correct the history and the opinions of the past.
So to get out the other side requires the physical health. And I’m not tip-top. In terms of appetite and physical capacity to eat quantities etc. I probably would not respond from a sacral perspective to putting my body through the digestive hoops that it needs to go through to consume the amount of calories in each meal that I have to in order to put on weight. But in a big way I responded to coming into hospital, to getting out of hospital and to the principle of putting on weight. And so whilst I struggle with the feasibility and the practical way in which that needs to happen – the calorie loading at each stage and the sugar intake, the mayonnaise intake etc – the refinement of my health is a later process, to be performed once I am heavier and out of this hospital. This is just a question of building health and whilst my way may have been slower it would have been to gain an organic comprehension of what foods suited me, what didn’t and what quantities I could comfortably eat of everything. As it is that liberation has been totally denied me right now – and to a large degree that’s OK. It’s like I can put up with anything now until I reach a stage where I am sufficiently liberated from the shackles of necessity and can actually experience the beauty of natural-ness. It is what I have said all along: once food does not need to be anything and meet any criteria within my life will be the time in which it will come into it’s own and take on the correct perspective, relationship and relevance in my day-to-day living. Whilst it is still so specifically fundamental there is no space for it to be anything other than strictly administered and upped…
…all of this knowledge from a deep physical place has had to come to the surface of the world and demonstrate in the crazy reality in terms of my treatment. This has led to the restrictions of sectioning which are now in place – a large reflection of the restrictions of the needs of food within my body in order to build up. I recognised yesterday that the meagre weight inside me and the current stomach size I possess would never, for comfort’s sake, get well again…because it is a temporary discomfort to eat so much in one go, to consume high fat, high sugar, immensely sweet products. The temporary discomfort is one step on the way to long term health, however, where the discomfort will lesson, I would respond naturally to eating more and grow like that – naturally and slowly. Yet now the timing has been forced by the Universe – I am now under considerable pressure to motivate. This means the order in which I do things has been revolutionised. Gain health and bulk first, learn natural-ness later. I have always fought against this method because it has seemed totally alien to go against my body’s desires and comforts. Now it is more uncomfortable to stay under section and in hospital than to get well now, with temporary discomfort in which I am not 100% happy consistently with what I eat, the speed I eat and the way I eat but on the whole entirely happy with the function of what I am eating and the fact that I am doing just that.
And the section: no disagreement with the large-scale intention behind it, but the speed with which it was done, and the implication that because I wanted naturalness I did not want the prescription at all. Perhaps it is true that I would never have got there responding slowly upwards and my heart would have given out first…so OK – I’ll do it this way, note I say this way not their way. And I will at least ask till tomorrow that we wait to see what I have managed to do over the weekend – whilst everything I have eaten has been seen and noted, what impact has it had on my weight? And there are so many questions to ask Dr Sinha, so many things to show the dietician with regard my ideas and plans for the next week – to implement the calories without arguments and to guarantee that I am boosting intake at every opportunity. I am just tired that I have to jump through hoops of proof but I will do it if that is what they require. It’s a gift anyway – it’ll happen quicker this way, I’ll get home quicker this way, there is less stress on Mum this way and I am so, so anxious about what today will look like and how it will take shape. I hate that I am going to have to live through it quite frankly. I’d rather everything were just left alone and I could stay here within the watched eating etc…but the only consistent thing in life is change and so change must happen. I just hope that it is beneficial, not detrimental and that there is enough strength and correctness around in the Universe and in myself to ensure I am safe. I feel the least safe I have ever felt – and that is why this has affected me so much. I feel totally in the hands of people I do not trust with anything and I have never felt more unsafe, unprotected and in the lap of the Gods. I do not trust the Gods to have my best interests at heart…but I do trust them to have the bigger picture in mind and that my learning and life may feel uncomfortable but it will certainly be what it was always meant to be – whether via happy situations or painful ones. I just hope I don’t get sent to St George’s, hope I don’t have to encounter too much adversity, and hope beyond hope that somewhere along the line I feel supported by someone other than Mum. It is unfair to feel that she is the only supporter I have – because then she is the only support I use and that is far too much strain on her. I know you all support me and care for me – but it is sometimes difficult to reach so far out of this environment to explain the practicalities of existence to you all when you have not and cannot witness it for yourselves. The wisdoms you all provide are never untrue, just sometimes difficult to retain within such a life, and that means it’s sometimes difficult to hear things which I know at heart be recited to me with belief and yet feel them to be so far removed from where I am…
…and besides, it would be nice to feel believed and supported by those that matter in my life. Not metaphorically but by those around me who practically have bearing on my health and my trajectory, my journey and the process I am undergoing to get well. I would like to feel their encouragement, not their judgement. However – if it is feeling resistant to them that makes me move away from them (and out of here) faster then so be it. I can and will do it. Today will be largely to identify how…and I’m nervous as hell.
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