I am more than a little convinced that something is going to happen to me today with regard to the psychiatric teams in charge of my care. It would not surprise me if Sue Lovell (the Registered Medical Officer and Social Worker) recovered from her ‘illness’ (which prevented her attendance at last weeks’ dietician meeting and prevented her from doing what she promised over a week ago) and put in an appearance today, probably this morning, with Dr Gordon in tow. For a week I have felt fairly removed from the change in my situation that has occurred since last Friday. I sense today I am going to be brought back into contact with the ‘reality’ of it.
I need to explain that because I feel that there has been a change within me over the way I appreciate the whole situation now. There is a vision of understanding which came to me yesterday which does not make the sectioning feel that much better, but does put things in their place a little more to make it easier to understand and therefore live with.
And it is all a question of perspective, from what I can tell. There are labels and some people are given enough power in their jobs to actually begin applying these labels to other people. As someone who believes in uniqueness this is precisely the wrong place to discover that – it is a location which covets labels because it is the label alone which dictates the role of those who are designated to care for it. Nurses, doctors and patients all require a label; it defines the doctors’ challenge, the nurses’ job and the patients’ mentality around themselves. Without a label in hospital you are a pointless floater and that can be very destabilising.
Whether they had a label or not when it came to me, I know not. One thing was for certain: it wasn’t sticking well enough. So all this sectioning is is super-glue or wallpaper paste to guarantee the adhesion of something that doesn’t really sit well and fit but at least will secure me for now until they can think of something better. The difference has occurred in my perception where I can see this label as something that someone else has thought up for me. Despite my comprehension that the inner world reflects the outer world this does not mean that I feel the label that the ‘real world’ has now given me in any way demonstrates or dictates the truth of my situation. Far from it. I grasped fully yesterday how much this is just the opinion of people who could not understand me and as such isn’t accurate, nor should I let it be believed etc. And the inner situation which it is reflecting is the paranoia I spoke of yesterday: wherein my body itself is keeping me safe and sane by guaranteeing a level of anxiety which always wants to ensure that there is no need to worry about insufficient calories. That’s what the sectioning is – to guarantee that there is no need to worry about insufficient calories.
But I seriously expect to see someone today. And on top of my anxiety around that – which I have to admit feels dramatically different now I don’t see the label they have given me as some sort of castigation because I appreciate its lack of truth – there is also my anxiety around my weighing tomorrow. Whether necessary or unfounded I do not know whether I will have gained weight, and certainly not to the degree I did last time…it’s just so hard to know or tell. My sense would be that there will be weight gain, but perhaps not at the rate of 0.8kilos. If this is the case the next step is simple…and I have no fear about it or doubt that I’ll make it. However, I do worry about the impact of any weigh-in on the mentality, perception and treatment of me by those in charge of my ‘care’. Still, at least if they arrive today – and I’d imagine they’ll come in the morning so as to get me on my own – they’ll not make time for me again tomorrow…!
And the main reason I suspect I’ll see them today, over and above my a) readiness to see them now and b) the inkling given by the settling into the whole labelling thing, is that I have been awake since 4am. I haven’t been worried, just not asleep. I’ve been using the time to research things – a change to my breakfasts after the porridge and toast dreams of yesterday has resulted in me finding some muesli – really dense Dorset Cereals stuff – which I can have a bowl of with full-fat milk and a dollop of yoghurt and extra fruit. I’ve even moved beyond needing mini-packs and decided to get Mum to weigh out portion-sized bags of it!!! I have also decided to have a Fruit Corner Yoghurt thing after a Prawn and Snow-Crab lunch next week – you know…just little differences which will keep the variety and ensure that I am continuing to achieve my aims. I also want some Oreo cookies…do not ask me why, I don’t think I’ve ever even tried one…but I woke up this morning thinking of them and so they’ve gone on the list…!!! I’ve also discovered some slightly different juices etc.
All of these things I can actually not only draw strength from but also tell anyone who visits me – that I am still changing things, improving things continually, eliminating doubts and checking in with the continued progress and process of guaranteeing my weight gain and my health. But further than this I have nothing to give them. I have learnt that they literally pull sentences apart and quote tiny snippets of them within the bulk of their own psychobabble paragraphs when they do write-ups of sessions. This means that I am pleased I feel in a very silent, quiet, reserved and removed space wherein I do not wish to be drawn into expression of anything that could be used later in a segmented way to distort the written portrayal of my character and my health.
So I await the day, without fear…just a weariness of the hoops that the fates make jump through or avoid. It’s a constant job to live in this world where there seems to be so little reality and yet the futures and/or not of millions of people each month are decided…
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