July 15th - blog 1 - the baseline weight, and the bugger of a staff

I did not mention one of the practicalities yesterday: the twice weekly weight. This must now occur on hoist scales to eliminate doubt. I think that my insistence on being weighed several times and the gaining of a different weight each time has been fed back as difficulty and potentially drinking water in between etc. There may even be a large element of doubt as to what has actually been achieved in terms of weight gain – that’s potentially why there is that much scepticism.

And so, as I suspected would happen when I asked if it would be guaranteed that I would have the hoist scale for this morning’s weigh-in, I await the hoist arriving. I also am dependent on the battery level, the amount of my body that they fit into the scales etc. etc. I have asked to be weighed on both simultaneously (and not the chair scales now and the hoist ones when they arrive) but my suspicion would be that perhaps there’ll only be the one weight – the chair weight – today.

And speaking of that figure, I am of course extremely nervous about it. It’s all very well being told by Mum and even, to a degree, Dr Sinha that this is just a baseline weight. But it’s not – it’s far more than that given that in my eyes I have been attempting this weight gain since last Friday. Since my last weight. Had nothing changed I would have been wanting to see an increase in the weight on the scales. And I’m petrified of the differential that may occur between the two weighing implements. I’m petrified in general…and have just been told 7am (it’s 6.55am) is my weigh-in time. It’s slightly pathetic but I sense that that’s been officialised too.

And worse than all of this. Worse even than what the number might be is that Claire is back today. Claire – Mrs Judgemental anyway, Mrs Woman who probably reported back my initial resistance on my off day to her observation of a Resource drink. Mrs Claire who has never seen me eat my three meals and three snacks at all. Claire who never, ever, not once, believed me enough to support me and was only focussed in one direction: the officialisation of everything. Ultimately she now has her pathetic ‘onward plan’ for me. She’s now got the official way they’re going to treat me and should feel mighty comfortable within the regime that has been set up for my monitoring and my ‘care’. It should make her feel like a pig in shit. Perhaps that’s why I’ve been placed under the stringency of a section in the first place. I imagine that the reporting back from the nurses was not that I was resistant (other than at the Resource drink stage) but that they were uncertain of what their role was in my care.

In these times where everyone is looking for a role to identify with within hierarchies of power, chains of command and attributions of responsibility it is perhaps that some clarification, detail and structuring was given as to the duties involved within the care of myself and my healing. It is the Claire’s of this world who would have asked for that. It is also the Natasha’s and Kelly’s who will have felt that whilst they may have knowledge that would help me, I was not under their guidance enough to listen. However right or wrong their perception it was their assessment and therefore their needs to have some sort of stricter guidelines, programme and official agreement by myself is almost understandable. There is always a way to see why this situation occurred in the first place. And this morning, with contemplating the Claire situation, I can recognise that it is a lack of individuality and personal competence (Natasha’s feeling of powerlessness, Claire’s incomprehension of what she was supposed to be doing) that creates a situation where someone needs to take leadership and actually tell people. So inept are some people at communication, common sense and insight that they have missed a step and gone straight for the hard and fast rules without even consulting me as to the way in which I was approached and dealt with.

Anyway – I could moan until the cows come home. And probably will do today given the staff that I have to ‘watch’ me – Jen, Claire, Marion and a bank NA all day. That means dinner – purchased from Waitrose – will be in the presence of a member of bank staff…as will lunch probably because I might specify that entirely…Marion’s aura is just so uncomfortable for me so I might request that I have the presence of the bank member of staff to be there. I may even know them but I’ll have to read the situation as and when it happens. I am also slightly blessed by the fact that Dawn – our temporary ward clerk who is also an NA on certain days – is also around today and can do some of the work…it’s all just logistical planning now.

And so the only thing that has been put in place for today as far as I’m aware is a meeting with the dieticians. Whether that is alone or with Mum – or perhaps even both – remains to be seen. However, there is very little they can say now except to corroborate the methodology of approach given credence by Dr Sinha yesterday, to OK and then be impressed by the meals – and their continuance endorsed – and also to make suggestions.

However…they cannot quibble. My weight is 32.9 kilos. On the hoist scales. On the chair it’s 32.8 kilos – but I don’t think that that is a huge problem. I sense I’ve gained about 300 grams (because I think I forced 32.65kilos last time). If that is true – and this is my official starting point…then I’ve already begun to rectify the situation on my own. Despite the stress, the anxiety, the hassle of Saturday etc. etc. and the energy exertion that went into the whole debacle of pressure and consternation over the weekend – I have put on weight. Again. Eating what I planned. Which can only contain more protein, more calories and more intake. As I up the calories of the biscuit types, add a little more butter to my toast, add more milk (full fat) on my Shredded Wheat and an extra 100mls of juice somewhere in the day – even 100mls of milk at 8pm would be fine…Jesus this is going to be great!!!

Hehehe, that’s it – I’ve been looking for ways to avoid supplement drinks…and extras here and there. So I’m going to tell Natasha that I’m sticking to what I’m doing – and the increases will come in the form of either another glass of juice or milk (another 50-100 cals approx) and a higher calorie biscuit intake – even if I have 1 and a half to two of what I already eat, or buy…well, I don’t know. All I know is that I’ve proven the protein with prawns and chicken and oodles of beans; proven the fats with cheese, yoghurt, mayonnaise, milk, butter, coleslaw, olives; proven the carbohydrates with pasta, pittas, potatoes and rice etc. And I’ve proven that I’m eating it all by somebody sitting there. I will explain and stress that this weight gain is because I, on my own instigation and insistence have changed my choices and not because I wasn’t eating as much before.