Apologies for this morning everyone. There was a minor crisis with running out of airtime credit on my mobile internet dongle. Unfortunately there was no way I could charge up any more until Mum had got a new voucher. This actually spun me into such a whirlwind of crisis that it illuminated something very, very important about my transferral to Hayes Grove...although I think it highly unlikely that I will be allowed internet access, I have to recognise that it is going to impact on me greatly. I genuinely have no expectation that I will be allowed either my laptop or my dongle. I just sense it somehow, and have to prepare myself for that eventuality. Although it was a major struggle this morning that was largely due to the inability to practically organise anything, email anyone or update anyone. It the routine here to wake up un-Godly early, write blog, post it, check emails and then email Mum her daily list. Luckily the daily list won't be so necessary, but the early rising writing-ness will be taken away from me. There is a reason beyond safety that I have asked to buy notepads etc. and I suspect it's because I am going to begin diarising/morning writing by hand as opposed to blogging. When I know more I promise I will inform you about the precise way in which news will be got to you all...
...but I wanted to write because I have just realised something humongous. I have been always post-meal having the odd regurgitation. Sometimes its larger, longer and more pronounced than others but it got to the stage where I perhaps didn't even notice. Until this lunchtime. I suddenly realised that this habitual operation of my insides has to stop - I cannot go to an eating disorder unit and have a burping thing. It is, I know, a physical hangover from my past and I also realised it's precise unnecessariness today. It is only a lack of training. So my beautiful inner self has simply decided to work on stopping it. I have four days to train myself out of such reflexes. There is a muscular training and change of process occurring within my stomach. I must have shifted something immensely psychologically and emotionally. This is phenomenal, and I'm sorry to have to go a little backwards to leap and bound forwards and grow within their environment...
...I think it's got something to do with the peace of the morning and in that space feeling totally accepting of the perspective with which I am going to be looked at. I can't sort of remember how I was in that moment but I was perfectly comfortable with allowing their opinion and simply satisfying them whilst already having been satisfied myself. It's the acceptance and allowance of the other whilst serenely holding my own space, but holding my tongue and my patience simultaneously. It is that holding which has to happen internally in my stomach muscles - not so reactive but responsive instead, allowing myself to be a body whilst allowing food to need to be melded to become cells...
...And by stopping the habits. It's simple. I feel as if I am giving myself up unto greater powers - and allowing them themselves whilst not submerging my own self in interaction with that. And it is entirely to do with the softness, the placid lake which does not go outwards but just takes things in, silently and without judgement. I can know what is relevant for me and/or not - but take everything in equally regardless and let it be within me regardless. I didn't realise until these moments that opposition and it not gelling/fitting within myself does not automatically have to beg rejection. It can just beg silence, and an acceptance, and then a moving through...
and that has so, so much to do with the digestion of food. It can all move through now, whether it totally gels with me or not. And this will make it even easier to eat someone else's dietary plans...
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