June 11th - blog 1

Firstly I would like to make an apology for last nights’ blog. I am disappointed that the first posting after ‘Life Begins’ was dominated by the depressing and upsetting elements of both my nature and my process. Whilst I never devalue the necessity of riding every emotional rollercoaster through to the end I would be naïve and a liar to say that I wasn’t saddened by the idea that this element of experience – the upset, the melancholy – not only began the blogging on this retreat area, but may also have left a self-involved, selfish flavour with those reading this. It is a fundamental aspect of the hospital life, yes. It is by no means dominant, however and I don’t want it to set a tone that will transfer into the remainder of my writings here.

So I’ve been awake and dozing in/out since 4.30 and have been attempting to write this and dozing on the keys – all fine. I’ve just hit the point of recognition at 6am that I do not want to dwell in having been me last night. Whilst I have been increasingly open with people about my feelings and ceased to hide so much of the negativity when relaying details of this journey, last nights’ openness and upset was genuine, unmelodramatic and un-desperate in the way it felt. Those were true worries, not fears/panics/hysterioinics. It was my space and my anxiety over the placement of a feed tube and posture mywelf.

So – the feed tube? In all honesty I still have not reached clarity with it. No comfort. I think I need to just play things by ear. I have grown accustomed to it overnight, Familiarity will hopefully replace un-ease. And yet I do believe it has something to do with me moving on from the tube being the way to get food into me. Stressful as it may have been, my body has been prely comfy comfortable thus far because it has desired and required theassitnace

I am going to leave that one just temporarily because there are other things that require communication, I feel…I have been looking at those dots now for what seems like forever. It is now twenty past seven and I have been pratting on the internet and struggling, still nodding but not sleeping.

And I would be tempted to ask the questions which I can hear in Mum’s voice: if you are nodding why don’t you sleep. Well because that’s not where the response is today. I cannot imagine why or how I have been given additional motivation to respect the odd behaviours which I exhibit in here. Waking up at 4am and reading the paper and waking up collapsed into it half an hour later is perhaps one of these behaviours which I could judge given that it results in the net result of tiredness. But that’s not the point. I’m not sleeping how normal people do, nor am I sleeping like I did on ‘the outside’ or like I will once I am healthier and return to ‘the outside’. Its crazy rest – and sometimes not enough – but actually its perfect rest for right now. And I mean that. Its NOT normal and if I try to guess times and make analyses of how well I’ve done or good the night’s been according to concepts its another one of those things that just falls flat on it’s face.

And all morning I’ve been trying to find that concept – through the dozing and the internet looking and the thinking and the reading. And at quarter to eight I’m there…and I can move forward to detail the rest of the things I felt unsaid at the close of yesterday given how preoccupied I had become with the physical dilemma of my tube. But I find I cannot put that in this posting…things aren’t really flowing towards the writing of this at the moment and so rather than force completion or try and demonstrate a clarity which simply not there I will leave this writing here.