June 29th - blog 1 - Sunday morning observations...

The air this morning is difficult to discern thus far. I have not yet identified (though probably will during the course of writing this blog) who is on duty today. As far as I’ve got is fancying a Weetabix instead of Shredded Wheat and a plan to bide my time in terms of requesting that because I need to judge who is on to respond to whether it is worth asking and being doubly difficult in my breakfast request than the mere simple obtaining of a bowl. It’s a weird way to judge ones life but it is the way I live in here – the constant evaluation from a physical perspective of whether there is a point or not in asking a question and how difficult and/or not it is going to be to obtain the outcome of the request. It makes every decision dependent on who is looking after me and perhaps this, rather than an ego or emotional factor, is why it is so important to me that I feel supported and encouraged by the staff in charge of my care as opposed to judged and vilified.

I hear Jane’s voice in the distance and she tends to be brusque but supportive. She is, however, showing somebody new where everything is – that means there’s a new NA working today. The breakfast trolley is here and there is a distant discussion ensuing about how to serve breakfast but I cannot identify the voices involved. The curtains are also still fairly drawn making seeing anything a bit difficult. This is the way my life is lived in here and is perhaps the most realistic description of most of the momentary silences that I have ever given. There is a perpetual wariness, an environmental and person sensitivity which constantly keeps one ear to the ground, one eye on the door and one tentacle tuned in to the goings on both within the room and just outside the door at the nurses’ station. Whilst sometimes this constant attunement may lead me to the over-analysis and interpretation of the atmosphere it is the only way to guarantee that I have advanced warning and insight into the temperament of both the people and the day. I feel far more comfortable in perpetual alertness and monitoring than without.

Last night there was yet another brand new trained nurse on duty. She was perfectly amenable but just a little green…and the new NA this morning looks lovely – and Alison is the other NA on duty. She is the most difficult because she is flimsy. She is sometimes supportive, sometimes difficult, occasionally totally on my side and occasionally completely difficult to read and complicated to interpret. I will, however, potter out to ascertain if there is a spare Weetabix. I will, however, wait until she has served the rest of the breakfasts…it is her who (where food is concerned) plays by the rules in terms of the amount and order in which she distributes things. There is a forgetfulness and conscientiousness which comes with both youth and veteran-ness…she is both trained adequately but sufficiently humble in her young age to create a strange combobulated approach which is neither confident (whilst being supremely so) nor weak (whilst following rules and her way of doing things which demonstrates a potential insecurity somewhere). All this in-depth analysis belies what is actually a genuine heart and genuine interest, but there is a little reservation within her – a hard shell which is impenetrable, particularly since her return from holiday, and it gives her demeanour a slightly unreadable edge. This, of course, is always supremely uncomfortable to someone who makes her life decisions and gains her security from reading people and the environment…it makes dealing with her a constant eggshell stepping operation which is more difficult than others sometimes. There is a predictability with some people and an emotional variety and temperamentalness with others – Alison is one of the others!

And there was in actual event no Weetabix available. Not that Alison was the one I asked. Nevertheless, Shredded Wheat was fine and I’m starting the day…it’s a good job I’m not trying to do this alone using hospital-given nutrition. They haven’t even sent up enough breakfasts for patients this morning. There is also a new trained nurse today so it should be interesting round on the ward where everyone is learning ropes and feeling disconcerted and new. Thankfully I am staging my escape – but right now I’m going to have a cup of tea and finish my bread…yes bread not toast! Nevertheless, it is calories and marmalade is something I fancy today…God this blog must resemble a food diary! Hope all of you reading are well and enjoying Sunday relaxation – all in bed at this time I hope!