The most damaging thing about this morning is that once again life itself has presented me with adversity through which an older me would be convinced I needed to alter my behaviour in order to progress. Somewhere in historically dealing with experiences such as the difficulties I am going through establishing myself within this eating regime I would have managed to believe that it was my own conduct that was at fault and created the adversity to begin with.
Now I view this situation in an entirely different way. I must have changed because I do not believe along the same lines any longer. There is no need for me to delve inside my behaviour to find the weak link responsible for the creation of a lack of flow. On the contrary – I don’t interpret this as a ‘lack of flow’ at all. There is no hampering of my aspirations that has occurred…yet. And I knew that altercations were going to arise and its why I asked now what the onward plan is regardless of my own reservations about pursuing it yet. I do not see staying with it over next weekend too but even I had accepted its place until Friday.
But I have always known that there would be an issue with bringing food from home. It is obvious because of the fact that I have been thinking about it and dwelling on it, I have been worried about why I would need it – all of this indicates a certain level of insight that it was going to be difficult to achieve. Whatever the end result – whether I actually assert myself strongly enough to have food brought from home (rice salads/sandwiches/chicken breast pieces/cereals etc.) to mix with the hospital stuff or whether the catering staff are persuaded and able to actually make things that I would like…I don’t suppose whatever the end result I mind that much. What I do mind is being dictated to, and I hate the sense that it will be as uncontrolled and random as it is likely to be without prior discussion with the catering staff. I also mind being lied to – the calories in the Calogen don’t bother me as such and are probably the reason why it is not offensive to my sensibilities when I actually have an un-chocolate-coated biscuit. What does bother me is that my desires are ignored and I am actually bare-faced lied to about the contents of what I am putting into my body.
Stupid, playing with logistics is the process this week. Far from feeling stuck I feel positively engaged in the process of progression – only it stinks that it requires such manipulation to result in the correct endings. But it is rather nice that I can do that without still questioning why I need it – I don’t, it just cannot be as randomised and as disgustingly choiceless as the meals which are generally available to hospital patients. Sorry – but that was an important closing waffle to the second post of today.
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