I told you all I was tired. I slept. Quite well, in fact. From about midnight to 2.20am, awake for a while then it was 4.20am, awake for a while then 5.20am and then all of a sudden it was 6.30am and my obs were being taken…
…I slept considerably better than last night and the night before. However the thought of the fact that I’ve slept is making me feel uneasy. The delight I feel is sensational however because last time I felt that un-ease with having slept I thought I was a fault for somewhere not wanting or not feeling comfortable with rest. Now I know something profound, however. The discomfort I feel with the thought and concept that ‘I have slept’ arises when I haven’t actually restored as much as I logically think I have with the hours of sleep I had. Basically…when my body feels my mind adding up the hours and concluding ‘I slept’ it sends out discomfort signals to inform me that whilst the hours may have been sufficient, and considerably more, the body is not rested, restored and firing on all cylinders because of this – hence the wariness which I experience (and before interpreted as some sort of failure of a desire not to rest.)
So I’m delighted with the fact that I can now see that about my own internal responses to things. I was writing rough-hand last night about holding hands with people, duvets and having a socket which is solely for my phone charger. Bizarre as it sounds these things are really resonating with me right now. It was a whole cascade of feelings starting off with the thoughts of duvets. A big bed all to myself to stretch out.
Then I went to the loo and realised some profound things about why I truly value myself. Its weird – you try to appreciate yourself for all the qualities that others see in you and when someone says something you try and identify with that. You always thank people for comments but I think I’m beginning to notice something. Regardless of what other people value you for, it is the qualities you see in yourself which make the difference in your life.
And for me last night I actually realised that I truly valued, rather than reprimanded, my willingness to always see things as my responsibility/fault/issue. I have often tried to train myself out of interpretations which revolve around the personal responsibility. It is what I mean when I talk about tweaking myself to try and change my life. In recognising that that is not the way it works any longer and that I’m happy within me I can actually see how endearing it is that far quicker than blame others or see hardships in my life as emerging from the behaviour of other people, I will sooner absorb it into myself and challenge my own behaviour long before I will view that of others as reprehensible. It is because I know that their behaviour is a distorted reflection of what I am beaming out through my aura…but actually it isn’t…it isn’t a logical thing that I think about at all – it is just natural to me. I recognise because I have learnt through experience that it is my behaviour that elicits the response from others which affects me. The onus is therefore on me to behave in the right way to be treated correctly.
The line lies in the fact that I have assume ‘right’ to mean a universal ‘right’ which would always elicit the positive response from someone else. In that I have always campaigned to be being as honest and truthfully certain in my words/myth/story/history as possible. Something in recent days has enormously moved within me so that I can appreciate that the story matters only in belief to me. It is not the truth which affects others’ behaviour, it is the level of my belief in what I am saying. More than that I have somehow absorbed the lesson that I do not have to behave uniformly in order to get uniform responses. It is where my capacity to speak to individuals comes in and respond to the situation and the aura which I meet. It requires manipulation – predominantly of myself – to be able to give out the energy which I wish to be received but also, in distortion, won’t be too damaging to receive back. It is a continual learning process of how to monitor my own expression, outgoings and aura to ensure that anything I receive back (in reflection or amplified Not-Self distortion) will not affect me adversely…
…it is what I mean about behaving like a psychological patient by throwing wobblers at observation. I have made my point now and I have to actually move beyond my hyper-sensitivity to allowing myself to be monitored. It isn’t a surprise I responded so badly to it, given past history and what observation has always a) implied and b) the fact that it has been necessary and therefore something uncomfortable. However, now, uncomfortable as it might be and for whatever reasons, I need to move beyond my own rattled-ness and try to relax within it. I don’t know how easy this will be as yet. But I know I must re-read last night’s blog before I begin today because I sense it was profound – someone very special told me so. And yet last night I just wrote it from feeling – I don’t logically know it in my mind yet and so cannot hold onto it. Nor do I know how it manifests and it makes me uneasy to have been so confident in its expression when it doesn’t feel concrete inside me yet.
Nevertheless – today I hope to have physio and see Dr Gordon. There are moves to be made within the planning of my ongoing treatment which I hope can be fleshed out and given strength this afternoon (although I’ve just written morning and hope she doesn’t come up in the morning when I specifically asked that Mum be here…hmm…). And as for how I behave with her – that will be another opportunity to respond. There are certain things (i.e. weight congratulations, food from home, supervision, treatment as a psychological patient – is this really her and Dr Zadeh’s advice or is it dietician’s habit etc.) which have to be discussed but in terms of diagnosis and onward treatment out of her revision I don’t know how far I’ll push. Anyway – that’s later…
…for now, I’ll leave it at that and read something of what I wrote last night to set me up in spirit for my day.
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