It has been reported that I am objecting to supervision. Oops – seems it will now be stepped up a notch so that there will be someone actually sitting with me. I’ve come to the conclusion that there has been a little bit of a disadvantage with Claire looking after me this weekend – her goody-two-shoes attitude has meant that she has been overwhelmingly ‘correct’ in her handling of me. And she follows instructions in a bid to be ‘right’ as opposed to following her own instinct. It actually, I realise, does not mean that I have made the wrong impression and that I am not telling the truth or coming over sane, it is far more a reflection of the fear of people in doing things ‘wrong’ and their attempts to cover their backs which creates the over-compensation. It is not her opinion that makes her behave the way she does, simply the fact that she is too scared to come up with her own opinion and differ or counter authority.
Further to that it seems that there will be at least another week on this regime. Despite the rise in weight there is a hesitation to progress but the next step is replacing a meal with food instead of Resource/Calogen. I have already spoken about the Calogen and my discomfort with it. I found out this morning that not only is it 105 calories more than I am ‘supposed’ to be on, but it is pure fats – a triglyceride chain containing Canola Oil, Sunflower Oil, another oil and an emulsifier. I am now receiving a new flavour – despite the fact that I requested the calories to be made up with Resource. She sat opposite me and lied that there was no calorific difference and I cannot escape my dislike for her – another over-efficious person with very little personality and a lot of arsy attitude.
In addition – there has been the request that I report my snacks – which I refused to do for the afternoon when I am out but had to agree to at supper time and morning time. How hard is it when I ask for a glass of milk and hand back an empty one? I also need to produce the packet so it would probably be beneficial for me right now to buy a different packet – regardless of whether I eat them or the other ones. When I politely pointed out that I had put on nearly a kilo she said that there was controversy and I put on .6 of a kilo after my weight had gone down. Ridiculously I asserted that there was no controversy. After diarrhoea I had lost weight and since I had been eating according to the regime I had put on nearly a kilo – of that there could be no dispute and therefore I must be following the plan. I also asserted that it was my requests to be weighed with accuracy, although she felt that she was telling me something.
The next step, discussed with her, alarms me, however. The point is that she feels that the dieticians at St George’s are keen for the food to come from the kitchens. I have already put in my strong, strong objections and told her that I will be having strong words with Dr Gordon who was not of the mind that that was necessary and even endorsed my feeling that there was enormous benefit from getting food from home. I expressed that a sandwich and a yoghurt from Waitrose has the calories on the back and I would happily give her the packets ‘to make a collage out of’. Remarkably I know I am in the right – I am fine and correct in asserting myself in this way in front of her because I don’t deserve (now I know I really don’t deserve) to be treated in the way she is treating me.
I cannot imagine what is being said or made of my responses to Natasha today. I don’t much care to be honest, except if it impacts my progression and health. I will request to see Dr Gordon at some point – probably with Mum present – and express that the treatment I am receiving feels incredibly uncomfortable and is not at all what was agreed and discussed initially. Whilst Natasha is keen to ‘talk to the catering manager’ the reasons for it being better to obtain food from the canteen are stupid: if Mum forgets, doesn’t come in, is late, if the foods aren’t containing what I need. The first three reasons are ridiculous and the third is why we use their advice as to what to make…the pathetic-ness of their reasoning is alarming in the extreme.
I also objected to 12.30 vs 1pm for lunch and was told that this was for the nurses’ convenience. I again pointed out that this had little to do with the nurses and that if they were not observing me then there would be no problems with the timings and fitting with their schedules…nevertheless that is a debate I learn is now to be had with Claire.
I have just seen the doctors and reported that my only complaint is the ‘mind-games’ (Claudia’s phrase) that the nurses were playing with me. I explained the food-from-home situation and they are on my side and will see about getting Dr Gordon to come and see me, perhaps tomorrow afternoon. And Claudia is mindful of the fact that I come from where I come from – she accepts my honesty totally and is sympathetic about the treatment I am being given. There is little she can do however and accepts that medically the only issue I have is feeling patronised and restricted by a regime that I asked for and checked myself into hospital to receive. Now having to report every mouthful of food is pathetic and stupid but I will subscribe – at least until Friday when there will be a further complete review with Dr Gordon and Natasha. It remains to be seen whether I actually see Dr Gordon this time.
Nevertheless, this is progress – weight-wise and in consumption I am proving them all ‘wrong’ so-to-speak and so there can be no comeback at me from them. I’m even going to buy some bigger biscuits today and have those instead – if they’ll ease the one tiny iota in my conscience. I wonder if I will still eat the extra bits that I have been eating to come up to the 100 cals with older biscuits…its all pathetic and matters not a tiny amount in the end. My sanity is gradually being eroded in here, however…an irritating thing when I fought so hard to obtain it in the first place.
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