Well, I had an atrocious night. Still awake long after 11pm I was awake a lot during the night and for longer periods than I am used to. I could hypothesise endlessly about why this might be but ultimately nights awake are things that are best accepted and moved away from immediately. I’ve napped, anyway, and as I always say – it gives me the level of energy and strength that I need today. And if that is to not quite be firing on all cylinders then so be it. I suppose it’s a grounding influence as well which prevents being lulled into any false sense of security or confidence. This place has not miraculously altered simply because the way I am being treated within it has changed. Far from it, indeed. Whilst there is a great degree of acceptance, liberalised attitudes and open-mindedness among a select few nurses, there is the paranoia of others which doesn’t doubt me so much as wants to cover their own backs just in case. This provokes the monitoring and observations to be strictly adhered to as opposed to them relaxing a little and allowing flexibility or even a light-heartedness to enter their attitudes whilst they’re with me.
I have no idea who is on duty today other than Jasmine. I do know that Dana is on again tonight and anything to do with bowels will be responded to. Its just very quiet so far today. Water hasn’t been collected yet and I have neither seen nor heard any nurses from the day staff so have no idea who is on…no hang on – its Mel and Marion as NAs, the other trained I think I can hear is Priscilla. Nevertheless in the end they’ll all have been round so it isn’t really something that overly matters who is on duty when.
I have very little clue as to what to write this morning, either. I suppose as I begin to settle a little more into who I am when I intake food (which is an entirely different chemical process than the intake of liquid feed) there will be fewer seismic changes within me that are completely transforming. It is not that stabilisation is required anymore because I feel that my chemistries and hormones are fairly balanced. I just feel that this level of health needs to be retained and built upon whilst simultaneously transferring to the consumption of a more varied, food-based diet. I suppose that is the challenge for my body; to keep adapting to the new and different foods whilst retaining its own organic, natural balance. Every alteration has the potential to destabilise the newfound basis and this is what requires monitoring, I suppose. Beyond that, I wait and see…not rushing or pushing but responding to how my body feels…
…this morning I still feel a little uncomfortable in my stomach and bowels. Sorry to be blunt but my insides are churning with different material and struggling to readjust. But I have no doubt that they eventually will – and something inside me senses quickly. Basically I don’t think bread is a long way off. For now, though, I have nothing important to say and so will not keep on for the sake of filling pages or time. I have a different sort of day approaching to which I am immensely looking forward and I hope that it’ll add a few dimensions to my experience as my current self.
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