Momentous changes have taken place today. Whether I have the energy or strength to detail them all tonight remains to be seen but there have been phenomenal alterations coming out of the developments of the last weeks and months and years. I can’t quite decide which of the momentous events was most important and I’m a little overwhelmed by diarrhoea tonight which is causing immense discomfort, distraction and vulnerability.
First was a long walk through the hospital, outside, down a hill, into the park, up the hill, round the outside of the field, back down and (via cuddling a dog) out onto the green grass, round out a different park exit and up the road back into into the carpark, up the hill through the hospital and back to the ward. The dog was the most important part – animal contact has been so distant and I don’t think I’ve seen an animal in months.
Then there was the tube that came out (finally) but no-one was available to re-insert. Then there was the dietetic advice that never materialised this morning and the waiting once more for contact and confirmation of the ‘plan’. Then there was the emergence of a plan to be fed feeds (‘bolus’ I think they’re called) three times a day (to replace meals) and then eat three snacks in between to build up to 500 calories – 1500 from feed = 2000 in total.
Then I began negotiating to what I wanted – to be drinking the ‘feed’ and then eating what I wanted for snacks. At the end of a hard day who’s precise conversations I cannot possibly hope to relate this late after such a stressful, ego-needing time where I have had to hold my own, I can actually say I did it. I have a plan my sacral was happy with, though only temporarily I can sense.
And you all need to revise your vision of me…I AM TUBELESS! Yes – the tube was never reinserted and I have three drinks, three snacks a day. The snacks must be a glass of milk (100 cals), a glass of juice (100 cals) and three biscuits (100 cals each) or two biscuits and a piece of fruit (100 cals each). And I’ll play with it myself. I’ve had my first meal. Biscuits I have here and want to eat are not 100 calories so I’ll supplement up to that with fruit, veg, sweets and lemonades. I’ll put on the weight they doubt I can and prove that I was right all along – and the only reason I can do this is because I am more comfortable about eating this than I ever have been about eating anything in my life. From a genuine place of a strong core (despite shitty insides, shaky stomach and sickly feeling after 200mls of milky fluid build-up shite) I can actually ascertain that this is a diet I am responding to. I am being monitored and watched whilst eating my drinks – which I obviously hate and had to object to on principle – but even that’s ok because I would never not drink the calories.
Then the plan is to replace each ‘feed meal’ with a ‘food meal’ starting with breakfast probably. Simple…honestly. But I can already sense a need to change slowly and acclimatise gradually to such dramatic change. No more tube, no more drip feed – no more feeling abused internally by an alien object. And most importantly a progression to feeling in charge of my own consumption again and not simply subjected to constant dripping techniques administered by nurses and regulated by machines. I feel a little more in charge.
And wandering round the hospital drew far less attention…no-one stares when you’ve no tube sticking out your nose. And I think that that’s vital – perhaps more vital than the nutritive alteration and the beginning of an ‘eating’ plan as opposed to a feeding regime. It comes because there is a different impression I create now. I’m thin – but I’m not thin with a tube down my nose which automatically draws the anorexic prejudice and assumptions from the first impressions. So the big difference is I am creating a different impression.
And this seems to be backed up by Jane Fini…Mum I need you to tell me that info again tomorrow…she thinks I have undergone a dramatic alteration – an almost self-alteration, to reinvention, rebirth into being a totally different person. On a large level I know and sense she is right, though I have not really connected to that yet tonight. I have changed, I know that. And not today – not through this process of the last few days of fighting for food.
Just on a big, large level I’m worn out tonight because I’ve completely reinvented my personality and persona, my identity almost. Not that its rewritten just revealed in its truth perhaps. Totally removed the layers on top of me and the person who I used to be to deal with everything. I’m different, I can feel it…pinning it down is harder, identifying change is difficult when caught within the life that changed.
And I don’t feel as attached to this hospital any longer, not tethered to the ward, not tethered to the tube, the feed, the horrific lifestyle I’ve been undergoing. I genuinely don’t know where I feel or think I am to be honest, except that my response was overwhelmingly pleased at having no tube so it must be right. I was over the moon, on top of the word…but I’m beyond emotive resonance right now – in the depths of tiredness but not depression. Just silence, stillness and acceptance. Moved on a step and I’ll see how I respond tomorrow and Sunday to the new routines and the new foods. I’ll even work out what biscuits I’d prefer – perhaps I will invest in something more cookie-like or a shortbread, or something richer or more buttery in the long run. For now its plain and simple, clean and nice. Digestives or oat biscuit and Hairspray (the film, not to eat…) I’ll write to you all tomorrow with more energetic as opposed to practical wisdoms…for now I simply know that the aura I am walking with has changed today from one with tubes and inter-nasally fed nutrition to someone walking freely, openly and without being beholden to the same thing. No-one can make the same first impression judgement now cause I don’t look the same. My appearance has changed – my picture in the movie is different and I feel a little closer to home in this skin than in one with a tube shoved into it.
Perhaps that’s why the diarrhoea – if I’m taking my place in my skin I cannot inhabit it with junk alongside me…the final clearout? Yes – the final emancipation from energy I dislike. And I asked for the supplement drinks – on the phone to Mum before it was even suggested I was already on that page…so this is more comfortable for now. By next week I hope it will move on once more – to bran flakes and brown bread (and possibly prunes!) for breakfast…
…but early days…must not rush…take time to consolidate this change first. Now – relaxing is called for…thank you all for being wherever you are right now. I love you all…
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