There is a lot going on tonight. Whilst there is very little practically happening (to the extent that I have been reliably informed by Claire that I cannot have my dressing done until the night staff take over) there are a lot of external forces attempting to diminish my spirit. The ‘lots going on’ comes from the fact that they are very nearly succeeding. Despite my strength there have been moments of severe weakness today – probably precipitated by the weakness in my legs and body after a little loss of weight and the lessening of my medication. My legs really hurt tonight in the shins where they used to. It really affects me that Claire has such a negative attitude. I am concerned about Alison’s truthfulness, and I haven’t seen Jane but know that she is fairly set in her conceptual ways. Mostly I am disheartened by the dietician’s insistence that I ‘really need to be on supplement drinks’ (her stress marks, not mine) and her lack of honesty in discussions with me where she agreed that I had done well and would be given until Tuesday to be suggested supplements for again. And beyond all of this, something that I have held off all day until this evening, is my own upset and depression.
By no means did I expect to have gained weight but I am, despite everything I logically know about the intake of food vs. the intake of liquid supplements (and the amount that I then had to work) I feel that there has been little appreciation for the emotional impact on me today of a weight loss. I know I have been conservative, reserved and almost played and experimented with the eating thus far. It has been experimentation and as such has been journeys of discovery nutritionally as opposed to calorifically oriented. There is no problem with upping things – I suppose here is where I have a privilege of fearlessness over the nurses and dieticians. I know that there genuinely isn’t, whereas they have no guarantees of that intent and capacity. And yet there is the feeling that beyond and above all of this I am responding in old ways to old stimuli despite there being entirely different foundations now. I respond with shame and guilt, despite meeting criteria and being proud of what I eat. I imagine fault and blame myself, despite me actually doing things that are quite impressive. So unused am I to nutritional success and improvement, congratulations and warranting praise, that I am almost pre-programmed to apologise and feel defensive despite being right.
More than this – and the most thing that I can touch on tonight – is my own upset. And my own fear. I am so frightened that I will not eat enough between now and Tuesday to prove myself. My mind is petrified that my life will not contain enough success to demonstrate in action the truth of my underlying foundations, faith and strength. I am worried that the result come Tuesday weighing will not reflect the sanity, the lack of mental health requirement, the facts of my enthusiasm, delight and desire to eat. I deserve that to be something that works, but I have no guarantees and at this moment in time, after a stressful day having to defend and be strong against other people, I have no wherewithal or desire to convince myself that everything will be fine, or indeed inform myself that everything will be as it should be. All I can do is be consumed by a passionate…fear is not the word…it’s a prayer. Its beautiful because it’s a passionate hope – and that is the only motivation that I truly praise and feel is correct for my thoughts within my life – a passionate hope that life this time contains success nutritionally and materially so that my aim to put on weight through eating (or at the very, very least, maintain weight) will be achieved. I hope beyond hope beyond hope that there is that end to this week of eating. The manifestation of weight gain, because I ate enough. I am frightened that this won’t happen and I hope to God that there is the life I desire (Resource-free eating weight) in my trajectory and on my horizon. I don’t feel I deserve it or ‘should have it’ – I just sense that that would be pure bliss for me and really help me in my ongoing reputation both within this ward and with those monitoring me from further afield.
More than that it will also be the step in the right direction towards health, leaving here and starting living properly – in total responsivity to more stimuli than the confines and limitations of hospitalisation where I behave as well as I can given the restrictions placed upon me by my location, situation and circumstances. For tonight I am exhausted – emotionally and in my legs, my heart and self…my self is exhausted through having to hold itself strong all day…and all I do is pray…hoping for the life I would love to have.
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