I have bad news this morning, all. I have lost weight. The bad news is that I am really, genuinely upset about it. The good news that my tears demonstrate my truth of feelings and have done so do Anne (who I thought was accusing me of being bulimic last night) and Priscilla. It has then eased the way for other things and allowed conversations which facilitated me seeing that I was well within my truth losing a few hundred grams given three days of illness – sickness AND diarrhoea – and two and half days of not eating, followed by a gradual, gingerly reintroduction to food which resulted in yet more nausea and encouraged me to make a whole-scale revolution of my diet. In five days to have lost 500grams is not bad – I weigh 32.2 by the way.
But having said all of this I am petrified by the conversation I am about to have with the dietician today. It is now not going to be seamless and backed up by material facts, there will be conversation and she will have evidence on her side to attempt to assert a ‘fact’ that the Resource drinks were working better. I want to inform you all now – and perhaps because it feels right that the world knows what I am going to do before I do it at the moment – informing before I manifest. Well…I am going to assert to the dietician that I feel fine, if not far better, eating proper food. I feel beyond better in eating the food that I am attempting and was severely thrown by feeling so insecure in my stomach. My attempt at the Resource drink made me feel so much more considerably worse than I had been feeling that from that moment forward I have been attempting food and whilst I understand that the calorific amounts may not have been equivalent and therefore enough, it is certainly not the reason that I have lost weight and I would have eaten less had I tried to stay with them.
More than this, the situation has changed now. I have over the weekend and yesterday eaten three meals in a day – proving that my digestive system is not only capable of doing it – but I’ve felt better on it. Beyond that there is more joy to it for me – I will show her my files and plans if she wants. I will then ask her – nicely – to re-liaise with St George’s given the new situation. I know what I’m doing. I knew this was going to be hard – I just didn’t need it on a day when I was heartbroken as well. But also the weight gives me the incentive to up what I’m eating anyway. Now I’m acclimatised to 3 meals and 3 snacks I could have got complacent and settled, but essentially – having lost weight it gives me the confidence, courage, willingness and absolute pleasure in upping the calorific amounts that I put in those meals. I had already laid the groundwork for this – I had already put it in my mind – just not in my life.
Actually – this upset is encouraging because I have had times when I have been supposed to be losing weight or staying the same or had paranoia and to be honest I’m actually glad that I haven’t gained any weight because I logically know given what I’ve been eating, I can’t have done. SO now I have the courage to embrace more food and more nutrition, more life, more strength, more calories and more weight. I bloody deserve it and I bloody deserve it now. And the dietician and I will have a conversation but I will not give in and let her dictate – my body dictates my journey and I will be consuming what it needs within its life.
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