Well seamless this is not…I’d like to enclose here some extracts of a letter I wrote to Mum today because they convey a lot of the experiences I am going through. I almost said ‘undergoing’. Its just incredibly stressful when the world has changed but nothing’s different. My weight was shockingly 31.3 kls – a whole 1.6 impossible kilos below yesterday afternoon. Even with diarrhoea I cannot have lost this much weight. So anyway…its alarming that I could register that low, but it is a baseline. It is a bottom weight from which to work and its horrible to be that low but I’ll do it:
“even today of all days where you may expect a little disconcerted mis-judged consumption or errors or shakiness, discomfort at the beginning (day 1, body changing, regime changing, all changing, disconcerting PHYSICALLY – I could forgive my body for shakily not doing it fully or properly, and my mind is experiencing some shakiness…as it is aware that this is a time of huge change and huge flux in my body – which does not know how it will react/respond) IT IS NOT HAPPENING.”
I have been so frightened throughout the last few months of asserting how I could eat and how much I wanted to. I have been frightened about what would really emerge from within me when I was finally given the opportunity to try. And I’ve been shocked to find that hiding inside me was the wherewithal to drink those horrific drinks and eat as well. I’m surprised at myself. I confess that. I’m surprised its working – I had no proof that it would except belief and faith in my own health and my radical transformation. And I’m alarmed that it seems to not only be working but I’m overcoming extreme yackiness (the best word to describe it I’m afraid – its not discomfort, its dis-ease and yackiness of overinflated, milkshake full stomach and sickly sweet and horrible thick drinkiness and Calogen). Its tough on my insides but not on my heart – and that’s never been the case before. Its taking time to acclimatise but its going to happen. And as soon as I can I want to move on and face the next challenge – a meal.
Perhaps, having thought about it, I could start by replacing the Calogens – that’s 300 cals – in a day. What would I need to eat? A bowl of cereal at breakfast? A sandwich at dinner time? In fact – I could take out dinner and have a sandwhich…perhaps that’s where I’ll start. Remove lunch maybe and eat a sandwich from Waitrose (pre-researched…the ones I liked were about 350-400 cals) and a yoghurt/piece of fruit? Sounds yummy to me…better than a bowl of bran flakes and a slice of bread anyway.
Tell you what, I’d love some vegetables. I’d really like bubble and squeak – a ball of lumpy mash with wilted spinach fed through it. Or Kale and Olive Oil Mash – from 101 Cookbooks, my San Francisco cheffy website. With boiled baby carrots with tops on. Still slightly crunchy. Who needs calogen when that alone – one dollop – would take out all of the calogens I’ve had today? Blurgh…sorry…disappearing into my own silly foody world.
But, just whilst I’m here, there is something I’m starting to see. I came straight from school meals and home cooking to digestion problems. I’ve never lived a life where dinner in the evening didn’t have to try and contain protein, carbs and veg. It was always meat, potatoes and salad. Or sandwiches and crisps. Never a piece of dry toast when that’s all you want. A bowl of plain white rice – I remember having that with peas and sweetcorn once when I was at a friend’s house when she was ill and her mum cooked it for her. There was nothing better. Nothing simpler and less…zinc-filled. And I think that’s what I’m seeing…all my meals used to have to replenish a loss inside me and so by their very nature needed both quantity and zinc-y substances – always had to have the meat/protein part…whereas now I feel like a bowl of rice would be fine – I don’t need the chicken with it.
And I could just have two chocolates, or a wholegrain pitta stuffed with salad and salsa. There is a stopping capacity inside, and a different requirement from my food. Empty calories used to be the sole preserve of my diet. Now its like the comfort doesn’t come from sweetness but from colours, textures, tastes, sensations and simplification. I’m tying this to Mum as well because she’s struggling with knowing what to eat at the moment and I’m guilty of trying to help by suggesting recipes instead of making it clear that she’s OK having a lazy baguette, or beans on toast, or cold mashed potato cakes, or a Pot Noodle, a slice of cold quiche, a bowl of peanuts and a lump of cheese, a bowl of popcorn, a pot of houmous with crisps, breadsticks or carrots. She can nibble, and when I’m better I suppose that’s all I’m saying – I could nibble too…I don’t think I’ve ever been able to naturally nibble or snack because my chemistry has never allowed me to. I’ve never been allowed to snack in my life! Can you believe that? The truest snack was my lettuce toasted sandwiches, dripping in butter lathered onto two pieces of thin, shop-bought air-bread piled high with roughly chopped iceberg lettuce and lashings of mayo on the top slice. Sometimes a tomato would top it off, the juices running down my chin after late-night dancing concerts finished. I then added tuna when I wanted them during the day but really nothing beat lettuce – even untoasted it was the special-est snack ever…
…but still OTT. For a young, small girl. There is hardly any point in continuing to dwell here but I’m just sensing a potential for naturalness I have never seen before – the naturalness of ‘improper’ consumption where every meal doesn’t have to contain certain stuff to be ‘complete’…
…anyway. Shut up Victoria – I can hear you all, but you have to understand I have never felt normal around food and am beginning to sense that I might get to experience that day in my life and it excites me. And I don’t mean that I cook all the time and enjoy it. But I’m natural – and sometimes cold leftovers or being totally lazy and having a slice of plain toast is exactly what fills the spot. So Mum – cheese n crackers is a perfectly admirable dinner…I’m sorry I’ve never seen that before. I suppose Nigel Slater would make sure it was artisan blue brie and Fortnum and Mason wafers, or Authentic Buffalo Mozarrella and Greek goat’s feat on charcoal biscuits from an organic spelt producer. For us – Cornish Cruncher and Jacob’s’ll do! Not that I’m a huge cheese fan – but I’ll have Philadelphia Ryvitas with cucumber, we’ll not even sit down but grab an apple and go for a twilight walk together round Shoreham – by the river, round the church, cross the bridge, to the pub on the other side. We’ll buy a couple of glasses of wine and enjoy the evening (Pork Scratchings? Salt n Shake Crisps?) together by the house boats before ambling back, watching the late news and weather and going to bed. Mum, seriously – today is the first day I sense we could actually do this. And not only doesn’t it seem too far away but it also doesn’t seem threatening at all to me (not even the whole glass of wine – though I may make it a spritzer!!!) The other most fundamental key and major thing that you have to know – all of you – and its shocked the life out of me…but I’m not threatened by the steps that have to go in between here and there either. Not supplement drinks, snacks, breakfast, sandwiches…not anything. Perhaps I don’t want shortbread – but I sure as hell am having as many calories as one would be and I respect myself enormously for that.
I am not threatened or daunted by the steps between here and the future I dream of – that amble round Shoreham, that simplistic aspiration. I’ve been scared and worried about the process for so long I’d forgotten to remember how scared and worried I was. I’ve said for months how its about the bit from here to there that’s been daunting. I’m not daunted – I’m doing it. Jesus, Lord I’m living it now. That thing I’ve been scared of I’m actually living and breathing it right now – and I’m succeeding, doing it, surviving and sensing a tomorrow out of the other end…fucking wow. (Scuse French…speaking of France…!!!)
Anyway – opinions are called for tonight on me doing a distance learning course in art and graphic design. Anyone who wants to check it out the website is as follows:
http://www.londonartcollege.co.uk/d3graphic/D3-graphic-design-course2.htm
I’m really keen on being able to genuinely be artistic…what do you all think – emails or comments gratefully received. For now…night night all…
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