It was strange for me to blog last night (you can read that first if you haven't yet seen it!), but important. It was disconcerting so far in what I had been eating to be at a complete place of acceptance of my body’s lessons yet feel anxious about the way the world was going to receive the outcome of those lessons. Whilst I felt – and expressed to Mum yesterday – completely at home and delighted with the way I could and can perceive my body is responding to different foodstuffs to become accustomed to nutrition again, the rest of the world is not like me in their perspective and this morning is the day where their judgements of where my journey has needed to go become relevant once more. I do not know where that is going to be until I am weighed: this should be soon.
Until then, I am pleased I blogged last night because it means I have will not lose that congratulatory feeling if I am taken by surprise by the scales this morning. It was important for me to feel pride within those observations of my journey – it wasn’t just an appreciation of a ‘process’, it was success within that process – which only served to increase my appreciation of my progress.
This morning, however, the main thing is the pain. It was excruciating through the night – reminiscent of the nights where I had to be turned. I am beginning to recognise the role of morphine in the easing of the muscular ache that I am permanently exposed to through living, lying and mobilising the way I do. Every hour to two hours I awoke with aching in every muscle and pain as the weight of my body had squashed me in a certain way and on a certain joint. The total body ache thing that I have logically appreciated but only felt at certain times of extreme tiredness or after extreme exertion is real this morning. I don’t think its going to be a permanent thing and I am not of a mind yet to reinstate any morphine. There is a liberation possible and I felt it yesterday after physio. It only comes with feeling.
I spoke of letting in the world. Well at my physio session I was reserved and yet let in the world enough to fall again. The day before I had been reserved and held back, petrified once more of toppling over and refusing to allow progression ‘just in case’. Yesterday I was careful because I was aware that my stamina was not immense but I was stronger in certain areas – namely the trampette. I was jumping alone (no support) and then when it came to the running my right knee didn’t quite have the resistance to hold one slight wobble and I fell. And I was fine. The topple was allowed in and encouraged me that falling isn’t always the end of the world – these things happen and are still going to happen from time to time in my balancing attempts through the building up of strength. And it is not something to hold off progression for fear of.
And the pain in my legs when we returned was also illuminating. Muscularly I could not have coped without the Oromorph and posturally I do not know what would have happened had I not had it. But have it I did and then I had one more dose at bedtime. I still feel today though that the difficulty over the next few days will be in the muscles and the weakness. The precise comfort factors have been reduced and reality has been let in once more.
I had to explain my story again last night. To someone young (19) and sympathetic to the degree that they knew how to be (artificial – more pity than empathy or recognition). Yet there was no doubt and a recognition that there are boxes into which we all don’t fit. Yet there was vacuous-ness too. No real comprehension or appreciation and then a relating of her own story which didn’t quite stack up in total truth when questioned – the precise tests which revealed her ‘problems’ (I was sick after foods and they’ve only just discovered I was celiac and anaemic. They NEVER tested, can you believe it??? So then I went through a phase of being bulimic but that was just being stupid and silly and then they knew I was celiac.)
Unfortunately for Gemma the diagnosis would have totally been unquestioned by me had she known how it was discovered that she was celiac and if I felt her strong enough to have cleared her food issues. She hasn’t – she ‘loves’ it (a little too much) and has this ‘can’t eat’ Nil By Mouth thing that she’s wearing a bit like a badge of achievement…it’s a bizarre relationship leftover from a Vegetarian anaemic upbringing. My only comment was ‘how nice to have a label of illness’ – and that’s it. If you can’t get on with food emotionally wouldn’t it be nice to have a label of something which allows fussiness. I almost had a hundred labels and yet didn’t want a single one. Not mental – hell not even physical. Any physical label I wanted to buy into was past and previous to establish the truth of my body’s development, progression and growth. I do not want labels to buy into now.
And I’m privileged to understand that about digestive disorders of any magnitude or severity. They are emotional in origin and whilst some are inescapable due to time or history, the depth of suffering or the insightfulness of the patient there are those, like everything I have ever suffered, that were designed to be discovered and overcome. I was not meant to live my life with a zinc deficiency and subsequent difficulties (however they manifested) around the intake of nutrition – whether mentally, emotionally or physically. I am not designed to retain any issues and I know that because not only have I evolved so much mentally and emotionally – but my body has had the opportunity to evolve physically as well. This is a privilege which means that I do no need a label or a difficulty with certain substances which allow me to be ‘fussy’. I will be able and perhaps even can now, eat everything and anything. It then becomes a matter of choice which I feel competent enough to make.
And that’s it – people invite disorder and disease when they fear their own incompetence within a situation. It is a safety net of avoiding dealing with a problem which is secure in its prevention of over-questioning. I’m delighted that I have never been happy with security blankets. I don’t want to be comfortable because I’ve got a blanket of ‘support’ or cotton-wool from the outside. I want comfort to come from a complete and total resonation through my whole body about the correctness of every decision and every action. Therein lies total internal self-sufficiency – and the only comfort level I have ever been interested in. And it means that I do not need to hang onto any labels or convenient food intolerances because if I don’t want to eat a certain foodstuff (e.g. red meat or wheat) it needs no excuse of a physical difficulty, it has the concrete basis of a correct choice for my body at that moment in time. I love that – and here come the scales…
…and I’m 31.8kilos. And so I up the calorie amount of every meal and intake. I can do that, easily and with comfort now I’m used to the eating frequency and I’ve explained to everyone why I’m eating so often. I feel as if I may not be given the chance to prove myself and I hate that but I’ve just rehearsed my discussion with the dietician with Jen and 400g is not a lot given the fact that I have completely reintroduced food over the last few days. It will be a ‘discussion’ during which I hope beyond hope that I can give myself until Tuesday. I am desperate, desperate, desperate to have a little more chance because I didn’t expect it to be so hard for me to eat so often. Now I really want to up the calories – the mayonnaise in my tuna, the bulk of my fibre in the brown rice. I know that the carbohydrate is what I am going to load up on over the next while – which won’t help muscles and tone but will help the weight and the energy thing. I know what’s happening and what’s been built in but I just need to be allowed the chance to show it. Please don’t put me back on Resource so soon, Universe. That isn’t fair and it isn’t right. There is no way I want to stay eating the amount I am eating – it has been shrouded with fearful consumption which has been to do with the fact that it was the specific food it was (and I had no idea what it was going to be like). There has been lots of fear around it – and I don’t only want to eat as much as I have been eating, that’s the thing. I want to eat more and now I can and will because I know its not working. I just hope beyond hope that the dietician allows me to have a few more days to demonstrate my own aspirations within this field and up the calories in every single meal – more milk at breakfast and more spreads. More calories in lunch, less fruit as snacks – biscuits instead (or even having oatcakes and biscuits as well as the fruit) and definitely more calories in dinner – my rice and Ratatouille tonight. The rice helping is up to me and will be judged by my appetite, not the look on the plate which may have been the thing so far.
And on Saturday I know the tuna mix I want has plenty built into it – with the same amount of potatoes as on Wednesday that calories will be instantly more. And then the biscuits – I’ve been nervous around the snacks – which was why the supper last night was so good, I really wanted the cookie and the sweet. It has already begun, you see. And I really want the chance to eat more without them trying to rescue me too soon. I WANT to be able to eat more. I WANT to eat more…not I want to want to – not I want to feel like I desire more. I’m used to frequency and types and quantities now – I want to up them and up the calories of them. And I just desperately, desperately , desperately hope that I am allowed to without feeling patronised by Resource again. God now I’m going to be in fits of nervousness until I see the dietician because I don’t imagine this is going to be easy. And I hate that. I really hate that. And I’m sad, and upset and I don’t think they’re going to give me a chance. I just have to express that I’ve proved I can eat – now I need to prove I can eat enough and more. I have to be allowed to do that. Please world don’t take me backwards…I’m upset now. Really upset and worried and I know I’ll have what I need but I don’t feel I need to be told I failed – not yet. That’s not fair. And its what it means to be put back on Resource so soon. I failed. And I haven’t even been given a fair chance. By Tuesday – absolutely. Today? Not fair. Please. Not fair.
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