I didn’t feel motivated to jump onto the computer straight away this morning, despite being up from early and having a restless night. Although better than the previous one it still wasn’t totally peaceful and I don’t know how much sleep I eventually did manage in total.
It meant this morning that I didn’t feel motivated to blog about anything and it felt more natural to just be in bed, dozing occasionally, reading papers and responding to how I felt rather than feeling obligated to push forwards and blog immediately. Noticing this encourages me because it means that I am writing these blogs naturally and in response, not out of any sense of duty or routine.
And last night I wrote an awful lot of things down anyway, from which it is hard to pull more developments! As Mum observed, quite rightly, she leaves me and less than an hour later I have moved onwards yet again to a different space, a different place and a different point of view. I love that about me. I used to feel that shifts only came out of adversity. Now I notice that personality perception changes emerge from my experience and as I move through life – it can be ordinary, everyday stuff or more complex, health-related struggles – I am constantly readjusting, adapting and redefining my ambitions, views and perspectives.
There are some core things that never alter, however, and I have noticed how strongly some things resonate inside me. Right now I cannot think of a single example but I am mindful this morning of a testimonial of mine currently sitting boldly on the HDUK website and which is false and I would like removed. I also was contemplating the old blog which I closed to commence this one. All of these things revolve around the idea of writing and communication – but also that key concept of records and what is ‘recorded’ as ‘evidence’ out of my own mouth and through my own voice. It is a concept I have been toying with mentally and trying to come to a settled feeling within.
A phrase hit me in my sleepiness this morning and it was really rather beautiful. Emerging out of the fact that I do not want to delete my old blog space because it would also mean deleting every blog that I wrote – something which really riles against my sensibilities – and also not rushing to remove my testimonial from the HDUK website was a simple phrase. Everything I have ever said I believed.
This makes me feel truly at peace with all records of me (– almost!), particularly those which people have heard me speak. In latter years when I have spoken loudly enough for others to hear or for there to be records made or kept there is a uniting factor and a similarity between them all. Everything has come from a space of my own personal belief. Now beliefs have changed throughout experiences – everything I have learnt and absorbed throughout life experiences has shifted perceptions and altered my beliefs, particularly and predominantly about myself. My own insights and perceptions about myself change according to watching my own behaviour, my own responses to different things that happen but also to the knowledge I have been given at any moment about the way in which my body is experiencing its own life. The testimonial speaks of being a not-self person who then absorbed mental problems and this was a very strong space of acceptance within me which I had arrived at and had a special kind of bliss within it – at the time. That I now no longer see that as a truthful representation of what occurred for me within my history means that it is not valid as a permanent expression but it does not change the fact that I believed it at the time.
And therein lies what I love about me: I live according to what I believe. My convictions, beliefs and almost ‘morals’ and perspective of how things ‘should be’ are at my core and the root of all of my outward expression. And its bizarre – I never want to and hope I don’t dictate to others how they should be – I think that one ‘should’ never do that. For me, within my life, I have a concept of my own ‘right behaviour’ and I would wish to be adhering to it all throughout my life. I do seek to impose this on other people as if there is a Universal ‘right’ but I do know very strongly within me that if the ‘right’ of others does not chime with my inner ‘right’ then it is a case of self-preservation which enables me to isolate and select which energies are best within my surroundings alongside me. My beliefs have to be resonated with for me to resonate with the other person – and I don’t judge others for not believing me, I just no longer want to waste my energy in the conversion through expression. I simply desire to carry on throughout my life behaving as I behave and let others follow, fall behind or fly alongside – as they see fit.
And most of all I love watching my hands write this and my insides feel this. I believe it is my truth – and fundamentally I can see similarities throughout everything I am writing to what my design ‘should’ feel. In everything I have just written I see elements of my 4th line, my 2nd colour personality, my 34-10, my 6th line, my lack of a throat, my 3rd colour body and all sorts of things in between. I am totally surprised each time I come across myself genuinely feeling how I am designed to be. Like one of those beautiful signposts which indicate correctness, it is wonderfully reassuring to feel oneself being true.
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