June 29th - blog 3 - completing something sensational

I’m back, guys. And I feel amazing. I feel exhausted, tired and still worried and nervous about the energy expenditure vs. intake which has happened over the past few days and in the build-up to Tuesday’s weigh-in but I truly and genuinely feel amazing. I wasn’t going to blog this tonight because I thought I’d be too knackered, but I think its phenomenally important in the completion of any received wisdoms that I express it:
I spoke last night of the need within me for everything to have a purpose. In this journey through my weight fluctuations and illnesses there has always been the dim echo in the distance that one day I would write a book about my experience – be it a novel or a factual account, a help-book or a diary-like story, I have felt that I would always make a written record of it somehow. And recently this need within me has built to understand how to express the process. I have felt the conclusion of this process bring with it the need to tie it up by its expression within a single unit of a book but there has been no clue inside me where to start. My main worry has been that every book has to have a theme, a point, a main issue and something to say and I haven’t been able to identify the point of my life and what there was to ‘say’ about what I have learnt and what its all been about.
Today I discovered it…today I recognised what having a zinc deficiency has given me psychologically – as opposed to just recognising the impact it had physically. Today I pinpointed the lesson for my personality that has been given through having my physical difficulties. And the simple fact that I have identified the point almost in and of itself indicates the conclusion of the process itself. If you know the point, there is no point in continuing in the same vein. If you see the meaning and grasp what you have learnt – well after that, for me in my life, there is no continuance of the process. It always flows for me that the knowledge of what’s been going on comes at about the time when it isn’t going on any more.
And…its about relationships. Its about interaction and behaviour in interaction. It has been a phenomenal lesson which has meant that, through my close personal relationship to Mum, I have learnt how to behave in a relationship so that I am in constant receivership of the other person’s frequency in order to respond accordingly to their space and their needs. The key to relating to others has been shown to me – how to respect the individuality of every unique other whilst constantly holding enough space within a relationship for myself to have the room to breathe as well as the other aura. There is a perfection in imbalance – that see-saw motion of too-ing and fro-ing wherein every moment contains its own measured relating within the atmosphere of togetherness and interlinked interaction. Immensely beautiful has been the way in which I have been given my Mum to learn this from. By her constant objection when I did not demonstrate the correct level of Grace, the correct malleability and patience, the correct adjustment to her space I have witnessed the growth of my own self so that I am now proud of the way I relate to other people.
I am confident – because I am shown every single day in which I see her – that I can relate effectively with other people. I have a personality which I am impressed with – I love my adamant determination to guarantee that I am always in purity and honour wherein there is a perfect respect for the other person’s needs, requirements and behaviours without compromising myself and jeopardising my own spirit in the accommodation of someone else’s. I know I can do this, and I have absolutely no shame in the way I relate to anybody now; it irritates me when close proximity and cloistered-ness in here causes a slight snapping from me towards others. Out of hospital there will be the lack of cloistered-ness which will guarantee that such overbearing-ness never provokes such snapping.
And I have to just continue this thought process for you all – and Gemma showed me this today. The above paragraph has huge implications for my food intake. Interaction with people has been shown me by zinc deficiency, so has interaction with food. The process of emotional connection and processing of food is identical in its ratio within my life (and perhaps everyone’s). And if I am confident in my perfect and honourable conduct within relationships it must demonstrate that my body is confident in its perfect and honourable conduct with food. I am overjoyed (though I mean that without emotion but with appreciation and acceptance mentally) to recognise the importance of my feeling safe and secure within my conduct around other people. I am overjoyed at what it means for my conduct around food. I am just stunned and in awe of where that means I am. And the cloistered-ness of hospital is reflected in the cloistered-ness of my diet. There is no liberation at the moment – it is regular, routine and controlled much like the staying in hospital. This in itself creates the same tempestuousness where sometimes I find it difficult to deal with the restrictiveness and feel pressurised by the routine of my dietary intake.
But, do you know what, every slight wobble doesn’t worry me any longer. Slight wobbles are created within adverse circumstances – those within a ward and those within a restricted diet where I have to eat in circumstances (and live in circumstances) which I would not choose and are not ideal. Such imperfect situations are only temporary, however, and that is encouraging and also means I do not react when I have a ‘negative’ outburst or response (to either people or food) any longer. It is not reflective of my persona and body but is merely a symptom of scratchiness at circumstances. And such things do not bother me…I am delighted to see slight wobbles as such. And sometimes when I am overthinking what I have just eaten I recognise now that my body is just trying to compute it – and my mind follows suit. Everything feels fallen into perspective and I know what I have learnt, I know the major lesson of my life thus far…in preparation for the future my body has a perfect interaction with food and I have a perfect interaction with people.
What comes now is not filling me up or out but establishing my confidence. It isn’t that I am weak it and I need to be stronger, it is about demonstrating my confidence in my self-belief – through interacting with people and consuming food. I am confident that I have learnt how to do both admirably…that means more to me than anything I have ever known, been given or been shown. Knowing that I not only know that this has been the lesson – but also knowing that I have brilliantly learnt the lesson to a degree that I love the way I behave in relationships which is indicative of the way I behave around food…well this just blows me away!