Another bizarre ight. I think I was awake every single hour. I grabbed bits and piees of sleep as the time ticked by. But I am tired this morning. Currently very tired, very sleepy (its 7.20am) and I keep dropping off and napping whilst trying to write this. Still, everything is about to get underway here and I wonder what today may bring.
At nine o’clock everything should realistically begin. Firstly I will be showering/ but positively I might just get a second or three to myself in the bathroom. Then its brushing teeth and ensuring I am all together for when either doctors come (which will hopefully be early) or for my 10:15 (approx.) appointment with the dietician and Dr Gordon. I imagine they’ll have a consultation beforehand and a good deconstruction of the diet plan given to them by Dr Zadeh. I’m really sceptical and don’t know why. I have a weird feeling about the approach of what I’ve been requesting for so long. Its not anything like fear, just…I know…it’s the sense of the approach of a necessary step in the process which is happening anyway.
Yesterday was so positive in what I learnt about my own desires around food. For so long my body has had to remain reluctant to eat because of the incapacities it has had to be able to deal with the food it has consumed. It is truly delightful to feel those reluctances drift away and move upwards into my head and notice the thought forms created by such physical weaknesses actually disappear in the light of day and onward experience.
And that’s it – all the things that I’ve had to feel both physically and mentally to find my health have historically served only to deprive me of food. Now it seems that such reticent behaviour isn’t necessary and that I am actually meant to put on weight because I’m physically capable of eating. As I am physically capable so I am mentally capable which provides me with interesting questions about what to be a Not-Self is – whether the Not-Self mind emerges from ‘unhealthy’ chemistry created through conditioning and conditioned behaviour?
Nevertheless the best things that have happened were the lack of restriction – I didn’t just have the ‘two biscuits’, nor did I only want that. The desire wasn’t to be sticking to a plan, it was to be responding to how I felt – which shows me that it isn’t (as it was in Darlington) about getting out of here and behaving how they want me to but actually just simply being free to eat according to how I want to now – because my body can. I just think my mind has to learn along with my body about its new-found freedoms…which is the daunting part.
But the most overwhelming thing happened last night when I suddenly realised quite profoundly that I did not want to think about the calories. Since last Friday’s appointment with Dr Zadeh, calories have become important once again. Sandwiches and biscuits have become assessed on their calorific content and its become a great reason to have my own food brought in – calorie controlled etc. Also, the recipes on BBC GoodFood which I have found all contain the calories and nutritional information in their instructions which has meant that I have almost stopped responding to the meals and begun responding to the calories.
And this hasn’t felt good. Its felt stupid and it doesn’t take into account my physical feeling, the digestibility of the calories involved, the fact that if I choose something of a lower calorie value I can make it up later and the fact that the calories in something less may be more beneficial calories than empty ones. It also allows for loads of guilt to be created because there is the conception that whatever I want should be higher calorie. Which completely negates my own self.
In reality I felt the desire to forget about them last night – and begin looking and assessing food according to what it was, not what it gave me calorifically. I didn’t really build on this – it was a late night thought – but there was the awareness inside that more important to me in this physical state was what I felt about the meal, not what it would give me.
I suppose this keys into everything that’s ever been relevant about resource intake as far as I am concerned. I always link the food stuff incredibly with David and the enormous idea that I just had to accept him, regardless of how I felt, because he was a) my father and b) he was giving me something. That obligation to accept his energy in my life is exactly what has happened with energy on the whole – and what I meant by drowning in non-discriminate energy absorption last night…and it links to calories this morning.
If food is assessed on such a level it is so over-analysed according to what it gives me (higher must be good given my current weight – and ultimately anything given is worth taking – that desperation mentality) as opposed to whether I want it or not. Then it became so overwhelming that there was the incapacity to deal with any of it and to-ing and fro-ing attempting to find a balance ever since has never resulted in symmetrical and happy relationship to energy. Until now – I have my own capacities to intake, use and release the energy I have – in terms of zinc, dopamine and nutrition. I have decided that right now for my health it is not appropriate to have David’s energy around me – regardless of what it is he gives me (either financially or as a masculine figure of strength, or connections in our Bodygraphs). And miraculously this is all filtering through onto a level which has always been the ultimate for me – the real world.
My capacity to deal with it all gives my body the willingness to have it. But I don’t like the idea that its calorifically decided, or arbitrarily decided for me because it negates my ‘self’ and my own responses – so fundamental when you arrive here from the physical place I have. So today I’ll have to play it by ear when the recommendation arrives, just allowing them to dictate may be appropriate initially but I’ll just have to wait and see. And I am nervous because I don’t know how I will respond. All I can do is hope I respond in the most correct way for me – I don’t need anything from the diet itself, just a correctness in my response to whatever it has to say.
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