I always leap to blog on a morning imagining that everyone avidly catches up with me first thing on their morning over a cup of coffee, before they begin their normal lives. How naïve is that to imagine I am so interesting!!! Wouldn’t it be nice to know that anyone (except Mum) ‘catches up’ with where I am before they go about their daily lives?! It was this morning when at half six I thought ‘I’d better blog’ that it suddenly occurred to me that this is my regularity – not anyone else’s and so held off until 7.30! ( A minor victory against habit!)
I want to write that I sense a giggle in the air today. Its that kind of atmosphere – and I know that the planets have shifted to a ‘lighter’ less ‘responsible’ and involved space but the overwhelming feeling I have this morning – simply from writing my first paragraph I can tell this – is that there is a more lighthearted enthusiasm in today’s air. And I suppose that far more important than giving everyone their pre-breakfast shot of ‘Victoria’, I have just demonstrated within two paragraphs just why I enjoy and respond to blogging first thing. It is giving Victoria my pre-breakfast shot of where I and the world are, both individually and in relationship to one another, as I relate the stories of the day.
And the major details of yesterday would have been recorded last night had I not been far more occupied in actually achieving the huge goals of the day which depleted my energy sufficiently to make watching James Bond about all that I could want to do last night. And the last I wrote I was prepped for battle against people after a concerning loss of weight.
Ultimately nobody batted an eyelid (much) about losing weight after diarrhoea, vomiting and not eating. The attitude was very much that its almost unsurprising, but must be kept an eye on, obviously. The necessary thing for me was to come out of it and explain what changes the sickness had affected on me nutritionally and express my desire not to be regressed now that I felt I had moved on. In a passionate and emphatic monologue to Kelly (dietician 2) I explained mouthful for mouthful since Saturday lunch time. I railroaded through, pausing only occasionally for breath, and demonstrated (I think fairly effectively) the vulnerability, fear and trepidation which had begun this eating once again, my faith and courage now I have progressed and my dis-inclination to revert. Her first concern was that we get the calories in in foodstuffs now, and she was attempting to explain that obviously St George’s had a plan and there was understandably the long-term goals to wean off supplement drinks one meal at a time. And beautifully I took over and expressed that I knew the calorific requirements and goals, I took her through my aims and aspirations and I showed her my folder of recipes, told her of my ideas and through all of the pre-preparation I think demonstrated more than a willingness, a true passion for continuing and trying it this way.
I also showed a decent degree of ignorance – the amounts of protein, carbohydrate and ratios of sugars/fats etc. I was willing to be led on because I freely admitted that for building a body the precise ratios of component nutritional requirements was something they would be better equipped to judge than I. But all I can say, without relating this in any more detailed a way than I already have, is that I impressed her with my preparation. The meticulous groundwork that I had laid down over the weekend, both in hypothetical recipes, in imagined actions and in actual deeds, served only to bowl her over and make it almost impossible for her to say no to me. I am so used to resistance and challenge, and I think it is built into me to always imagine that there is the element that will pre-determine failure (usually fate!) that I over-prepared. I interpreted a challenge so that if one came I was ready. This was totally correct because my over-preparedness wasn’t overkill, but served to show my enthusiasm and desire to adequate effect which meant it was not only easy but a joy for Kelly to be able to almost leave things in my hands and see how they go until Friday when I am weighed once more.
If things are not working we will re-assess and I have already conveyed a willingness to supplement if it does not ‘work’ but ultimately I managed to convey my maturity and intelligence in calorific knowledge which meant Kelly felt secure leaving this job almost in my hands for the rest of the week. I almost imagined I’d feel pressure now – to do it, to prove myself and my word and to prove that I was worth trusting. Ironically, I feel none of that.
Instead I feel a slowness and a patience. I feel as if I had engaged myself in the process that someone merely needed to OK yesterday. It didn’t change the process that I was already ensconced within to have someone approve it. It would have made a difference if she had countered me, but as it was remaining in the same process means not a double effort, or a real trying now to achieve anything extra, double the effort, live up to my word. It just has settled inside me as an accession to performing the actions which I had already pinpointed and put ahead of me anyway…there is no fourteen biscuit aims every second now – there is still the slow and increasing build-up guided by the same body as has always guided this process and that was so in tune with what it needed and what the Universe was going to give it in its life that means that it isn’t jarred now but can merely carry on because it had laid the groundwork for yesterday’s conversation all along.
And life cannot get any better than seamless – no transition should be a jolt. Nor should any transformation. Change is always necessary and arrived yesterday in officialdom but in actual fact it doesn’t feel transforming because the moves underfoot had already occurred. There was already food in my fridge to feed the accession to my way of feeding myself – there was no way that my body wasn’t going to be ‘allowed’ to continue, but I had to live through the stress as if there were every danger it was going to be denied its health – because it has been denied its health thus far in its life.
So ultimately, if nothing else out of yesterday were true, I sense that now there is the potential within my trajectory and its timing that true health is due to my body – the health of a body that interacts with the external world in a perfection of intaking the correct and perfect foods. And my breakfast has just arrived. And I am enthusiastic about starting it. I’m going to have a Shredded Wheat this morning, and some apple, because I fancy it. Its early, I have no tea yet and so am just going to pause until MST has arrived, life has begun properly and the world is revolutionised yet again into a full day of allowed eating. You guys will never, ever realise just how major and important that that is to me.
The world gave me Kelly yesterday. Regardless of how much my body sensed that the time was right, my mind knew that the time was right and everything was flowing around me (nurses, doctors and my own attitude and synchronicity) that seemed to suggest that the time was right…there was always the potential that the Universe would say no – it always, always has at every single juncture before. More than that, there has always been a resistance, if not to eating full stop then at least to eating in the way I wanted to (usually manifesting in me wanting to eat in a ridiculous way i.e. chillies – regurgitations, vinegars etc. etc.).
Yesterday my life held Kelly. The voice of officialdom as far as nutrition is concerned and amazingly, sensationally and truly heart-warmingly and encouragingly the world, in the form of a dietician (who we may disagree with and devalue but is ultimately this world’s manifestation of authority) sanctioned not only eating but the way I had sense I wanted to eat – MY WAY…
I could almost cry within the beauty of what that means about the status of my life and my health at the moment. Knowing the Universe made it easy for me to be correct in my sense of approach yesterday I felt truly valued and acknowledged in all the work I had put into the last few days and weeks, months and years. The planning (meticulous) paid off and I was given the green light to build, using my intelligence coupled with my body and their combined strengths and attunement (hard-won and now incredibly prized and treasured) to guide me to health for the first time in my life…and the world said OK – go for it. That’s why it was a big, big day.
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